Political Shorthand
There’s a mostly forgotten set of Saturday Night Live sketches from the early-aughts featuring the Bloater Brothers, played by Jimmy Fallon and Chris Parnell. These two spazzes are incapable of sitting still, and instead nervously laugh off constant rejection with overused puns and catchphrases. Tactless and donning Chas Tenenbaum perms, they poorly navigate tense social situations such as an airport interrogation, a highway traffic stop, and a conversation with a sexy bartender. These two are so cringy that they border on fascinating. What’s made them so lacking in self-awareness? Why are they so insecure around other people? What is it exactly that makes them so off-putting?
Casting their strange symbiotically dependent relationship aside, the Bloater brothers construct a thick wall of corny dad jokes to avoid authentic interaction with humans—to the point of inconveniencing a U.S. Customs agent or almost getting beaten with nightsticks. It’s exhausting just trying to get an honest answer out of them. Even in the most serious of circumstances, they aim for their own cheap chuckles over any sense of truth or accomplishment. A few of these sketches present the opportunity for Kip and Wayne to get lucky with women, even if only out of drunken pity. And still, their inability to shut the fuck up drives these chicks to leave in frustration. “I can’t believe this…I can’t even get laid by the Bloater brothers.”
When the time comes for action, even with 90% of the job already done for them, the Bloaters freeze up in fear. Any semblance of confidence is confirmed to be nothing more than their pathetic coping mechanism. All they’ve done up to this point is repeat a bunch of one-liners that maybe worked for someone on television, if at all. No one with a developed sense of self would say “Got milk?” to a topless waitress.
I feel the same sense of NPC conformity when it comes to a lot of political rhetoric nowadays. To be frank, it doesn’t only come from the left, and it doesn’t only come from politicians or the media.
For the past ten years or so, the term “cancel culture” has morphed into an entirely new definition. As Ari Shaffir recently explained, where being cancelled once meant a complete blacklisting from an industry, it then became losing a certain amount of opportunities, and now applies to anyone who gets criticized for an opinion.
Where MAGA literally means “Make America Great Again,” several hangers-on are desperate to somehow connect economic prosperity and traditional American values with Maoist and Stalinist suppression.
Where the words “pedophile” and “groomer” are supposed to apply to adults who lust after or show attraction toward minors, it now seems to mean everything from homosexuals to Jews, to anyone who works in show business. Disagree with someone on the Russia-Ukraine conflict? GROOMER.
This is no different than the left’s redefining of the words “Nazi,” or “peaceful protest,” or “immigration,” or “healthcare.” It’s the exact same dishonesty that BLM employed when they told the media, it’s a white cop and a dead black teenager…you do the math. They use language to manipulate, not to communicate.
Much like the left, when this dishonesty is called into question, when the inaccurate use of English words is corrected, it raises suspicion within the tribe. Are you now part of the outgroup? Why are you being so defensive about this anyway? There’s a thin line between “Are you a fascist?” and “Are you on the Epstein list?”
The reality is that blurring and manipulating language ends up blinding the audience to the many grey areas of ideology.
There are several instances of reply guys projecting their misunderstanding of anarchism onto Michael Malice’s beliefs. They accuse him of wanting chaos in the streets, when he simply doesn’t want the government to have a monopoly on security. Libertarian Tim Worstall has written about the difference between capitalism, socialism and anti-marketism. While the headlines-only readers will pounce and call him a commie, Tim goes into detail about how a law firm or even pre-public Goldman Sachs are examples of worker-owned enterprises that are still in competition with other businesses in the marketplace.
Regardless of political affiliation, the laziness of political shorthand doesn’t at all make people sound smarter, more aware or more confident. It makes them sound weak and programmed.
Why expend any energy in thinking through a complicated issue, or equipping yourself with strong arguments, when you can read from a script like a tech support rep in a call center? Why should anyone listen to you, if you’ll only give them predictable talking points that any idiot could repeat, rather than find someone more interesting with more insightful takes?
More importantly, what is the purpose of consuming such intellectual slop, when there is nothing to gain from it?
The underlying problem of Kip and Wayne is not simply that they are uncool. It is that to interact with them is to waste minutes of your life that could be better spent learning something, or at least being entertained, of which they offer neither. Like a virus, they latch onto their prey and demand your validation. They need you to acknowledge their cultural references. They need to feel like they are somewhat relevant to the rest of society. The least they could do is educate you on the proper calibration of industrial thermostats, being that it’s their only marketable skill. And yet, all they have to give is someone else’s words, like “Go-go Gadget,” and a “Hi-ho!”
It is bad enough to be dishonest and misleading. It adds insult to injury, however, to also be unoriginal. How many people have you seen trying to imitate a Tucker Carlson monologue, or spitting out a list of random psyops to sound like Alex Jones? How many more times do you need to hear people saying “Based” before it starts to sound as lame as “skibidi?” Do you have an obsessive yearning for social acceptance, or do you actually want to try to know things and have a degree of influence in the exchange of ideas?
In this new series of articles, I will explore some trendy political shorthand that threatens the very strength and credibility of conservative thought. Collectivists have certainly been dealt a right hook this past November, and it will take them years before they see any substantial renaissance in the national polls. But the complacency of the right will be its own downfall if it succumbs to the low hanging fruit of spicy TikTok influencers and media personality shouting matches that pass for “debates.” It’s time to start using your own words, and start choosing those words with purpose. Let’s Make English Great Again!
